Surving Siblings

Surviving Siblings

For a toddler, adapting to a new baby in the house can be a very stressful experience. Being prepared for what lies ahead will make the

transition in your family go more smoothly

Toddlers and infants are a tough combination. If you are the parent of a toddler, and bringing home a new baby, you can expect her feathers to be little ruffled by her new, little sibling. One of the most traumatic events in your child’s life can be the arrival of a new baby. Especially when it comes at a time when your child has hardly given up being a baby herself.

Mine!

Between the age of 18 months and 3 ½ years, a child is just beginning to establish her individual identity by collecting bits and pieces of information about herself. During this time she is also beginning to realise that she is a separate individual from her parents and this knowledge, suggests psychologists, makes her feel insecure and vulnerable. To offset this disturbing state of mind, she manufactures a support system for herself, based on her possessions – she `owns’ her parents, her toys, even things like a particular nickname her parents may call her by. Her selfishness at this point has to be seen in the large perspective of this desire of safeguarding against any possible intrusion into any facet of her identity. So, the arrival of a sibling at this particular stage can seem exceptionally threatening.

Invading her space

When someone invades our space, it is normal to react with some concern. Which is exactly what the arrival of your new baby makes your toddler feel. She will feel displaced and threatened by the attention and physical contact the new baby gets with his mom. Her parents seem to no longer belong exclusively to him, and sharing them is infinitely harder than sharing a toy. Plus she has to abandon the role of the baby of the family. And all before she is ready to relinquish either one, which is why jealousy results.

Jealous reactions

Any jealous reaction may be dormant until the new baby is old enough to steal the spotlight by gurgling and cooing. At first there may not be much rivalry. Children younger than 20 months actually tolerate a newborn intruder much better than those over age two, because they are not aware of being displaced. It gets difficult when the newborn learns to crawl. A newly mobile baby must be carefully monitored. And your firstborn may resent this non-stop attention. The child may choose an aggressive response to his problem. She may `fight’ the intruder, her new sibling, by poking or hitting the baby, by disturbing the baby’s sleep. And sometimes the jealousy takes the form of overenthusiastic loving – hugs that are too tight, or toys that are taken from the baby because they might `hurt the baby’. Less aggressive children may take another approach – going back from maturity into babyhood. Reverting to infantile behaviour guarantees additional attention from parents.

Jealous reactions seem more intense in first-born children than in others, probably because they have the most to lose. They might revert to increased thumb sucking, more than the usual amount of babyish chatter, cranky demanding behaviour, or excessive clinging.

Coping with these feelings

You may not be able to totally eliminate possessiveness or jealousy. Nor would you want. Because psychologists assert that coping with these emotions helps a child mature. Parents can only diffuse the intensity of these emotions through proper handling.

What to do

Before the baby comes

Even if your toddler isn’t saying much and you are not really sure what he understands, it is important to fill him in. Knowing what to expect, say experts, will ease the transition once the baby actually arrives. About three or four months before the new baby is due, it would be a good idea to tell your child as simply and truthfully as possible about the new birth. This is a good time because he can see that your tummy is big, and the concept of a baby in there won’t seem too abstract to him. Describe the changes that will take place in your household once the baby arrives and how they may affect him, positively or not. Assure him that none of this will affect how much you love him.

Let your child help

Although they may not always seem so, toddlers generally are interested in their new brother or sister. Take advantage of that curiosity by letting your child participate in the baby’s care, such as handing you clean diapers or putting socks on her feet. It would be wise not to leave the baby alone with her just yet. Even a simple chitchat about what you are doing when bathing the baby or cleaning him, would help your older child involved and defuse her resentment.

Emphasize your toddler’s big-sister status by putting her in charge of telling you if she hears the baby cry.

Foster friendship

According to experts, at around one month of age, infants begin to recognise their sibling, which may help a child accept the little newcomer. To take advantage of this milestone, encourage your toddler to sing and talk to her baby sister or brother, and see how the baby’s face lights up.

Provide some mom time

Rather than scolding her for any feelings or jealousy, acknowledge her feelings so she knows you understand her point of view. Take some time each day to do something just with her, even if it is a few minutes of building with blocks or drawing. If your baby goes to sleep earlier than your older child, designate an hour or two as `big child time’. Showing her pictures of herself, as a baby might be a good idea, and may help her understand that she needed lots of special care too as a baby. Point out the perks of being the bigger child – how she can walk, talk and play by herself. Consider it progress if this makes her patronizingly tolerant towards the new baby.

Be prepared for aggression

Young children who feel jealous commonly act on these feelings. Don’t be surprised if your toddler hits or throws something at her new sibling. This is a normal say psychologist, though not easy to witness. When you are alone with her, encourage her to express these feelings. Tell her it is okay to feel like that but, no, acting on those feelings is not okay. Psychologists advise to intervene immediately, if she is aggressive, but not to physically punish or humilate her.

Prepare to backtrack

Toddlers often regress when a new baby comes into the house, so brace yourself for setbacks, regressing in behaviour and speech a bit is one way of coping. You may suddenly see your older child talking like a baby. This baby talk may be your child’s way of saying `baby me’. Children aren’t too sophisticate in asking what they really need, and when they need attention, they often represent this in their behaviour. Your child may have toilet accidents even if he has already been trained. Or start crawling although be has been walking for some time now. Handle relapses matter-of-factly and with warmth. Parents should just recognise this need for attention, according to experts, and respond to it somewhat, but also try to encourage more age-appropriate behaviour through praise and attention when the child acts her age.

Give it time

Don’t expect your older child to be happy about the arrival of a baby sister or brother. Just give your toddler as much love, undivided attention and understanding as it takes to make it through the first few months. Make sure you expectations of your toddler don’t suddenly exceed reasonable levels. After all, she hasn’t grown up magically just because an infant has arrived. The contrast between her abilities and the helplessness of a new baby puts a lot of pressure on her to abandon her immaturity. Surely that is unfair. If she reverts to somewhat babyish behaviour, additional hugs and kisses are more likely to improve the situation than reprimands.

Remember the 9 P's of success

You Know what you are But you don't know what you can Become

Remember the 9 P's of success...

1. PASSION
2. POSITIVE ENERGY
3. PERSEVERANCE
4. PERFORMANCE
5. PERSONALITY
6. PEOPLE
7. PERSPECTIVE
8. PRINCIPLES
9. PATRIOTISM

The Caring Child

The Caring Child

Help your child to deal with other human beings at all levels

How a child develops at this stage is a fair indication of his behaviour in the years to come – with exceptions. And one of the most important aspects of the child at this stage is his development into a social human being – of being able to belong to the society he lives in and interact with the people around him. This development requires him to master certain social skills, and it falls upon the parent to take him though to develop these skills.

These are not easy years for the child learning to live in his social environment. He has just started school. He is about to come into contact with people outside his immediate family circle – and they are all going to be as varied as the colours of the earth! The child will meet up with his peers, children older than himself, adults of varying temperaments, and other adults involved in his education.

Thinking for himself

Manners are important at this stage because society judges his upbringing by his behaviour in public. And unless he is actually taught manners or is in a social set-up where manners are observed, the child will not know. He is no more a `baby’ and the people around him will expect much more from him and hold him responsible for his actions. He is also required to be responsible in the home, and his parents may expect him to be the `older one’ in behaviour if there are younger siblings. He may at this time also be undergoing his own confusions of trying to understand the behaviour of other children at school, including perhaps schoolyard bullying, friendships, animosity and teasing. Sometimes the variability of the standards of behaviour expected of him by his parents and those of his friends requires him to balance the two. For a child these are heavy responsibilities. There is less dependence on his parents and so often he may have to think for himself. He may even find his parents’ rules and regulations not to his liking, and yet he must conform.

Mind your manners

Perhaps a simple way to start helping your child to develop social skills would be to insist on basic manners. Manners are a mere expression of our consideration for others as required by the society we live in. While social customs vary from culture to culture, basic good manners are not very different. What we knew as children are still good values for our children. Your child needs to understand that saying `please’ and `thank you’ just show that you appreciate what is done for you. That people feel good when you ask them nicely to do things for you, even members of your family. That older people should be shown respect. That to stand up when an older person is talking to you is a very lovely old-fashioned way of respecting age. It is something that seems to be dying out in our fast `advancing’ urban society but it is good to remind our very young ones of this until it becomes second nature to them. That it s rude to be greedy and grab more than you require of anything – be it food at the table, or anything else that is there for sharing. That to tell lies is to lose the trust and respect of those around you and shows that you do not respect them.

Each family will make its own set of rules of what constitutes good manners. These may sound simplistic but for the primary school child they give an indication of what is expected of him in his society. These will stay with him forever, even if he slides every now and then, he knows clearly what being `well mannered’ means.

Learning to live in a group

Social skills are best fostered at home and then transferred to behaviour when in other groups. If there are some basic ground rules, the child knows that he is one part of a whole and has his part to play in the group.

At home:

The child learns that he is one member of the household. He has to understand that no one else is responsible for his things, for instance. A six-year-old can understand that: he is required to put away his things; he is to tidy his own area; he cannot expect others to keep track of his things. While theoretically, this seems simple enough, in practice it only comes accompanies by a lot of cajoling and persistence on the part of the parent! But that is how skills are taught. He also learns that he has to obey the rules of the house, as he will have to bide by the rules of the school and later on by the laws of the land.

Friendships:

One of the marks of this age is a greater degree of sociability among children of the same age. Close friendships, inseparable chums are now a familiar part of his life. There is intimacy and sharing of stimulating ideas. This in intimacy and sharing of stimulating ideas. This is an important learning period of social development. While conflicts and jealousies may arise among friends, these are not so intense as with siblings at home. He is more likely to share secrets with chums than with adults who “would not understand”.

Friendship can also manifest in group rivalry, the `gang’ syndrome. Though these are only gentle and harmless at this stage, as with girls-against-boys attitudes, a wise parent or teacher will covert these to healthy competition.

Parents need to accept these early childhood friendships and respect them – because the child will view it as a reflection of how the parent views him. A number of later teenage conflicts arise from parents’ dismissing what is important to the child at this stage. Respecting his choice of friends may not always be easy – but the parent has to veer him gently away from what may be considered `bad company’. To reject them is to undermine his confidence. Tread softly, because his choice of friends reflects attributes of character he admires and that he may desire to have himself.

The child at this stage (seven and eight-year-olds especially) is undergoing a weaning process from his dependence on his parents. This will sometimes manifest itself as naughtiness or rebellion against his parents as in `answering back’ irritations. The child may seek gang security – as in class against teacher, siblings against parental authority and so on. While these are largely harmless, it is the wise parent who detects deeper problems that may be arising from early childhood. Otherwise parents can only stay calm and develop an indulgent and humourous attitude (if that is possible in the face of constant cheekiness and swaggering smart talk!). the child is busy resolving conflicts of the transition from babydom to independence. He dislikes physical demonstration of affection – being kissed and cuddled by parents is only acceptable on those too rare occasions when he wants to. Recognise it and stay calm!

When things are not right

One of the dangers of the period around 8 to 10 years is the stirring of delinquency. If the child has not resolved conflicts of social behaviour between home rules and peer group pressure, he may veer towards the latter. A certain degree of healthy hostility against rules is to be expected during these years. But if it mars all relationships with adults in acts of delinquency, then further investigation is needed. Giving him a sense of self-worth, of concentrating on what is good in him rather than emphasizing the bad, being genuinely loving, letting him know that you feel his conflict and pain and will always be loving, may lead the child back to social balance. In these early stages, love, not punishment or deprivation, is the answer.

Outdoor Fun

Outdoor FUN

Outdoor play benefits your pre-schooler in more ways than one

The great outdoors can do wonders for your child. Warm winter sunshine helps build vitamin D and charges your child with the energy to skip, jump and run. But you need to be around to supervise from a distance.

A variety of activities

There are various activities that the little kid can have a swell time with. Jog your memory, remember those nice games you used to play? Reconstruct them for your child and her friends. That will get them started and they will create their own world of games and make their own rules. Since the outdoors offer endless possibilities, the imagination of the little children will fire. Three-year-olds can be initiated into riding tricycles. The sense of thrill they get is perhaps comparable to the first time a toddler begins to walk. The riders feel that they are almost as grown up as their parents and can be entrusted with the independence to take on the world by themselves. Four-year-olds can be initiated into riding tricycles. The sense of thrill they get is perhaps comparable to the first time a toddler begins to walk. The riders feel that they are almost as grown up as their parents and can be entrusted with the independence to take on the world by themselves. Four-year-olds can now go a step further and move from tricycles to bicycles. The transition can be made smoother with a pair of training wheels fixed to the wheels at the back.

Too much caution undermines confidence

These are not dare-devil risks and you don’t need to be over cautious as that can undermine her confidence. In time, she will begin to make the logical connection between her actions and their consequences. Safer sports options are playing with a frisbee that enhances eye and hand coordination. This develops the competitive spirit and trains the little sports-persons to take fast decisions like the distance and speed at which to run to catch the disc in time.

A learning experience

Good old traditional games like hide-and-seek are a lot of fun too. These hone observation powers as children look for new hiding places. Team spirit helps in bonding with peers. Games like Tippy-tippy-tap, where you have to search for the right colours and objects, can help kids identify various kinds of leaves, flowers and uncommon colours like indigo, tawny and azure. Often, the little things that they learn through fun and games are remembered longer than what learn in their classrooms.

The goodness of running

Of course, there is nothing like a good run. No rules, boundaries or timings this time, just run in any direction on a grassy mound till she is ready to drop. Even that little run can provide wonderful exercise and pump the lungs with oxygen. Once they are tired, they can do less strenuous activities like drawing flowers and trees. The walk back home from the park can also be a learning experience. She learns directions and learns spatial skills like finding short cuts and discovering landmarks that help her identify the right way.

Enhancing sociability

Another thing that is important is that your little one needs to be with other kids her age. This is something kids miss out in small, one-child families. A child feels protected with her parents around but their denial of independence can hamper her emotional development. Out of experience, the kid will learn how to counter bullying by people who are not as kind as her parents. But again you need to supervise from a distance. When kids form a gang they can be too adventurous for their age. It’s nice as long as they want to collect leaves, but things get out of hand when they want to climb the trees. Just ensure that you gently nod them into thinking right. If you persist too much, it can be counter-productive and very soon you will have a little rebel in the house. Introduce options in a way that they don’t seen tame in comparison and something their younger siblings should do instead.

Family outings

Living in flats in cities we deprive our children of sights that they were meant to see. To see open skies and feel grass under their feet may be as important as food and education. So spending the weekend, where you either go out for picnics or go hiking as a family, is a wonderful way of spending time together. Hiking will not only be fun for your pre-schooler but also an exercise in endurance. It will help build her stamina as well as her lung-capacity. Planning a holiday where you introduce your child to things that she knows exist only in books, will fill her with excitement that will make you feel it was worth all the effort. Taking her to a beach or to the hills and watching her observe the wonders of creation will be an experience in itself. Sand and water play are also useful for a child’s knowledge of the physical world, an entry point into play with others, and for creative expression.

An awareness of the environment

Taking the child out into the realms of nature will also acquaint her with environment and probably now is the right time to make her aware of the issues of environment and inculcate the right habits that makes her sensitive to the plant and animal life around her. There is difference between reading about such things and actual experience. Having seen animals and plants for real will arouse the kind of empathy that will last a lifetime. If you have a garden, or a terrace with potted plants, you could encourage your child to take care of the plants. Gardening, say experts, teaches pre-schoolers are also fascinated and intrigued by the insects that gardens attract, including butterflies.

So, outdoor play, be it playing in the Neighbourhood Park or a family trip to the hills or the sea, will help your pre-schooler in more ways than one, as young children especially need the broad experiential base provided by being outdoors.

You must believe that you are a diamond

Success is about the passionate effort that you put in trying to do what you believe in.
Go ahead and dazzle in life like a diamond.

Himmat Karnewalon Ki Kabhi haar Nahi hoti

Himmat Karnewalon Ki Kabhi haar Nahi hoti,

Lehron se Darkar Naiya Paar Nahi hoti,

Nanhi chinti Jab Dana Lekar Chalti Hai,

Chadti deewaron Per Sau Baar Phisalti Hai,

Man Ka Vishwaas Ragon Mein Saans Bharta Hai,

Chadh Kar Girna, Gir Kar Chadna Na Akharta Hai,

Akhir Uski Mehnat Bekaar Nahin hoti,

Koshish Karne Walon Ki.. Kabhi Haar Nahi hoti.

Kuch Kiye Bina Hi Jai Jaikar Nahi Hoti.

To be a great champion, You must believe you are the best