Surving Siblings

Surviving Siblings

For a toddler, adapting to a new baby in the house can be a very stressful experience. Being prepared for what lies ahead will make the

transition in your family go more smoothly

Toddlers and infants are a tough combination. If you are the parent of a toddler, and bringing home a new baby, you can expect her feathers to be little ruffled by her new, little sibling. One of the most traumatic events in your child’s life can be the arrival of a new baby. Especially when it comes at a time when your child has hardly given up being a baby herself.

Mine!

Between the age of 18 months and 3 ½ years, a child is just beginning to establish her individual identity by collecting bits and pieces of information about herself. During this time she is also beginning to realise that she is a separate individual from her parents and this knowledge, suggests psychologists, makes her feel insecure and vulnerable. To offset this disturbing state of mind, she manufactures a support system for herself, based on her possessions – she `owns’ her parents, her toys, even things like a particular nickname her parents may call her by. Her selfishness at this point has to be seen in the large perspective of this desire of safeguarding against any possible intrusion into any facet of her identity. So, the arrival of a sibling at this particular stage can seem exceptionally threatening.

Invading her space

When someone invades our space, it is normal to react with some concern. Which is exactly what the arrival of your new baby makes your toddler feel. She will feel displaced and threatened by the attention and physical contact the new baby gets with his mom. Her parents seem to no longer belong exclusively to him, and sharing them is infinitely harder than sharing a toy. Plus she has to abandon the role of the baby of the family. And all before she is ready to relinquish either one, which is why jealousy results.

Jealous reactions

Any jealous reaction may be dormant until the new baby is old enough to steal the spotlight by gurgling and cooing. At first there may not be much rivalry. Children younger than 20 months actually tolerate a newborn intruder much better than those over age two, because they are not aware of being displaced. It gets difficult when the newborn learns to crawl. A newly mobile baby must be carefully monitored. And your firstborn may resent this non-stop attention. The child may choose an aggressive response to his problem. She may `fight’ the intruder, her new sibling, by poking or hitting the baby, by disturbing the baby’s sleep. And sometimes the jealousy takes the form of overenthusiastic loving – hugs that are too tight, or toys that are taken from the baby because they might `hurt the baby’. Less aggressive children may take another approach – going back from maturity into babyhood. Reverting to infantile behaviour guarantees additional attention from parents.

Jealous reactions seem more intense in first-born children than in others, probably because they have the most to lose. They might revert to increased thumb sucking, more than the usual amount of babyish chatter, cranky demanding behaviour, or excessive clinging.

Coping with these feelings

You may not be able to totally eliminate possessiveness or jealousy. Nor would you want. Because psychologists assert that coping with these emotions helps a child mature. Parents can only diffuse the intensity of these emotions through proper handling.

What to do

Before the baby comes

Even if your toddler isn’t saying much and you are not really sure what he understands, it is important to fill him in. Knowing what to expect, say experts, will ease the transition once the baby actually arrives. About three or four months before the new baby is due, it would be a good idea to tell your child as simply and truthfully as possible about the new birth. This is a good time because he can see that your tummy is big, and the concept of a baby in there won’t seem too abstract to him. Describe the changes that will take place in your household once the baby arrives and how they may affect him, positively or not. Assure him that none of this will affect how much you love him.

Let your child help

Although they may not always seem so, toddlers generally are interested in their new brother or sister. Take advantage of that curiosity by letting your child participate in the baby’s care, such as handing you clean diapers or putting socks on her feet. It would be wise not to leave the baby alone with her just yet. Even a simple chitchat about what you are doing when bathing the baby or cleaning him, would help your older child involved and defuse her resentment.

Emphasize your toddler’s big-sister status by putting her in charge of telling you if she hears the baby cry.

Foster friendship

According to experts, at around one month of age, infants begin to recognise their sibling, which may help a child accept the little newcomer. To take advantage of this milestone, encourage your toddler to sing and talk to her baby sister or brother, and see how the baby’s face lights up.

Provide some mom time

Rather than scolding her for any feelings or jealousy, acknowledge her feelings so she knows you understand her point of view. Take some time each day to do something just with her, even if it is a few minutes of building with blocks or drawing. If your baby goes to sleep earlier than your older child, designate an hour or two as `big child time’. Showing her pictures of herself, as a baby might be a good idea, and may help her understand that she needed lots of special care too as a baby. Point out the perks of being the bigger child – how she can walk, talk and play by herself. Consider it progress if this makes her patronizingly tolerant towards the new baby.

Be prepared for aggression

Young children who feel jealous commonly act on these feelings. Don’t be surprised if your toddler hits or throws something at her new sibling. This is a normal say psychologist, though not easy to witness. When you are alone with her, encourage her to express these feelings. Tell her it is okay to feel like that but, no, acting on those feelings is not okay. Psychologists advise to intervene immediately, if she is aggressive, but not to physically punish or humilate her.

Prepare to backtrack

Toddlers often regress when a new baby comes into the house, so brace yourself for setbacks, regressing in behaviour and speech a bit is one way of coping. You may suddenly see your older child talking like a baby. This baby talk may be your child’s way of saying `baby me’. Children aren’t too sophisticate in asking what they really need, and when they need attention, they often represent this in their behaviour. Your child may have toilet accidents even if he has already been trained. Or start crawling although be has been walking for some time now. Handle relapses matter-of-factly and with warmth. Parents should just recognise this need for attention, according to experts, and respond to it somewhat, but also try to encourage more age-appropriate behaviour through praise and attention when the child acts her age.

Give it time

Don’t expect your older child to be happy about the arrival of a baby sister or brother. Just give your toddler as much love, undivided attention and understanding as it takes to make it through the first few months. Make sure you expectations of your toddler don’t suddenly exceed reasonable levels. After all, she hasn’t grown up magically just because an infant has arrived. The contrast between her abilities and the helplessness of a new baby puts a lot of pressure on her to abandon her immaturity. Surely that is unfair. If she reverts to somewhat babyish behaviour, additional hugs and kisses are more likely to improve the situation than reprimands.