Grand Parenting

Grand Parenting!

Understanding the most beautiful bond ever – that between

Grandparents and their Grandchildren

Ever noticed how grandparents and their grandchildren share a peculiar, almost exclusive sort of language? Nothing could actually be said and yet, everything gets understood. It could be a raise of the eyebrows or a small smile or even a simple gesture that could go unmissed by others – one of the most important relationships in a child’s life, what exactly is It that makes this particular bond so beautiful?

The first thing that comes to mind is time. Out of the parenting trap, with no more responsibilities to fulfil and no more kids to bring up right, grandparents probably have more time to savour relationship based on unconditional love. And this forms a big part of what makes this unique relationship so special – unconditional love. While parents are responsible for raising and disciplining their children, grandparents have more freedom to enjoy the children at the moment.

There are also instances in which couples often feel (in hindsight) that they could have been better parents to their children. Or perhaps, better friends. More often than not, this feeling of regret translates into special bonding with their children’s children. Take the case of Ravi Dalal. A retired army man now, he feels that he was perhaps too much of an officer at home as well. “When you’re parenting, your priorities tend to be different. You’re more focussed on results and raising good children. Somewhere down the line, caught between the responsibilities of working hard and parenting even harder, I missed out on the little things that make the whole experience memorable. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. With my grandchildren, I want to be someone special. Not just the man who comes home tired at the end of the day.”

Isha Nair, mother of two young children, remembers her childhood to be fun and carefree. “We were a gang of at least ten cousins and every holiday season, we used to get together at our Nana’s place. I still remember those holidays. We used to have so much fun. Nana was slightly strict, being the eldest in the family but we knew that we were his weakness. Every night, he used to take us out for kulfi or a walk or just something that involved all of us. And nani used to teach us the games she used to play when she was small. And told us the most beautiful stories ever.”

Grandparents from the bridge between two generations, which is probably why they play such an important role in everyone’s lives. Yet, like all other relationships, conflicts are bound to occur in this one as well. Isha Nair says, “Though our family was an extremely close-knit one, I remember a few instances of disagreements between the adults when I was small – which is only natural. I remember after returning from our vacation spent with our grandparents, my mum used to keep telling me that nana and nani had spoilt us and that she’d now have to `re-discipline’ us. Of course, it was partly in jest, but now that I have kids of my own, I think I know just what she was talking about.”

Like all other relationships, conflicts are sure to occur in this one as well. It could be over how best to bring up the children or the methods used to discipline them – the topics of dispute between the two generations could be varied. We advise that both sides ought to understand that they’re working towards the same goal. It is important for both to realise that though their methods may be different, their concern is pretty much the same – for the children. She likens the situation to that of a partners’ game of tennis, where they’re not rivals across the net but a duo working in tandem towards the children. “Grandparents should respect the fact that their children have their own ways of bringing up kids and parents should understand their concern to be just that. Concern. And not interference”. The most natural reaction, at times, would be to bottle-up one’s feelings but this only worsen the situation. It is extremely vital (in any relationship) to keep the communication channels open.

Long Distance Grandparenting

Today, most families are separated by distances that are too vast to make day-to-day Grandparenting possible. But this does not mean that one ought to forsake this previous relationship. Says Ravi Dalal, “I make it a point to spend at least two months a year with my son and his family. At least this way, I am still part of their lives… and they are part of mine. When I’m on my own, my grandchildren and I do keep in touch via letters. Besides, on my last birthday, my son gifted me a computer and the kids taught me how to send and e-mail, so we’re pretty connected.” Simple things like frequent visits, telephonic conversations, e-mail et cetera go a long way in keeping the bond alive.

We are of the opinion that these days, with family members scattered all over the globe, it may not always be possible for grandparents to live in close proximity to their children and grandchildren. However, geographical distance should not be allowed to sever this bond, which has been seen to be one of the most enriching relationships in any person’s life. Children stand to gain a lot from this relationship, especially about sanskaar (cultural values), family history and tradition. Caught up between raising kids, establishing careers and setting up house, parents may not always find much time to devote to his. In such a scenario, grandparents play an extremely important role. Apart from quality time and love, they provide a link to family stories and the days of yore. There is a lot that one can share and imbibe from this mutually satisfying relationship. Grandparents, after all, form the link between yesterday and tomorrow.