Triggers for happiness

Triggers for Happiness

Raising emotionally healthy children

Most parents I know want their kids to be happy, besides being healthy of course. But what makes kids happy? Toys and treats? Yes, for a while but, no that’s not what we are dealing with here, but a deeper, more fulfilling route to happiness, raising our children to be emotionally healthy.

Growing up is hard work, not just for kids but for parents as well. Our work goes beyond the basics and doesn’t necessarily include spending a fortune on this hot new toy that he has to have. Although, this will surely be greeted by squeals of joy, and occasionally it does not harm, but that does not mean you have to supply this regularly. That way your kids might just end up over-indulged, spoilt – hardly happy. What we are talking about is long term happiness. What is happiness? Is it being rich, ambitious, achieving and seemingly successful? Or is it having the ability to deal with success as well as failure; of understanding the larger picture wherein joy and pain can coexist.

Simply put, happy children are those who grow up to be happy adults – aware, `whole’ and emotionally healthy people who are secure, who have the capacity to feel not just happiness, but sadness, anger, frustration and empathy, and who are able to take both the ups and downs of life, with an inner sense of calm.

Kids need limits

If parents are nurturing, yet firm, if they set clear definitions of what is acceptable and what’s not, children develop a sense of purpose and feel secure. But kids, after the age of three, need to understand why. When people understand the justification for a rule, they are more likely to comply with it than if they deem it arbitrary or capricious. So when you first give a limit, explain why your child needs to comply with it. Understanding the reason for rules helps your child develop internal standards of behaviour – an understanding of the mechanics of society, of life as we live it. Rather than giving a long explanation that children will tune out, state the reason briefly, for example, “No biting people. It hurts them”; “When you grab toys away from other kids, they feel sad because they still want to play with them,”

Routines and limits spell security for a child. And if you present a directive well, your child is likely to comply.

Understanding why

You should, of course, offer comfort and consolation when your child is hurt, or just angry when things don’t turn out the way he wants them to, but address only the aspect that connects the hurt to a deeper (and inaccurate) sense of rejection. Use these periods as an opportunity to explain to your child and get your child to understand why things happen the way they do.

If we believe that we should protect our child from pain, if we tell him we can always Xrebuild his broken toy, or if we don’t tell him the truth about his grandfather dying, just because we want him to be happy, we will never help him build the skills and strengths he needs to manage his life.

Be consistent

Studies show that the happiest and most secure children are those who know where the limits are. In other words, these children’s parents are consistent in enforcing limits. Almost all children will test the limits to find out where they are. If the rules are not consistently enforced, he will continue to test them. If a child throws a tantrum and gets his way, you can bet you will see more tantrums because the child has learned that whining longer works. By consistently leading your child toward good behaviour and self-discipline, you are giving your child a golden gift of a lifetime. If you want your child to learn certain behaviour, you have to be prepared to be predictable and consistent.

Let them be

Parents, however, need to balance between too much control and being too controlling. Children are happier just to be left alone to do nothing sometimes. Kids, like adults, need unstructured time. Spare time, when your children are doing what we call nothing, not only provides a respite from structured activities but also gives them a chance to learn how to entertain themselves. It lets their imagination grow, which, in turn, nurtures their creativity. Anyone who has ever seen children at play, solving a problem or even trying to spell and unfamiliar word knows that imagination and creativity are things found in every child. Let them play – using their own imagination rather than specific or structured (by adults) activities. It is really up to the parent to give children an atmosphere that makes them feel confident enough to explore, to try new things – and to fail.

Just hanging out with friends is important and contributes to a child’s happiness, creativity and his mental and physical development.

Another thing that is essential is not to be too restrictive about their activities. Don’t be always worried that he will fall if he jumps too high. Rather than always saying, “be careful,” why not let him test new skills. Respect his wants and wishes, sometimes, even when they clash with your own.

Participating in your life

As parents, it’s up to us teach life skills to our kids, so they grow up to become independent, competent, reliable, self-confident, resourceful and responsible adults. Teaching while being a parent is not about taking time out of every day to impart some great wisdom.