The Only Child

The Only Child

Stable, secure, sharing and happy. The way to go

Is there a perfect family size? Prevailing wisdom would probably indicate a family of four but for an increasing number the family has come to mean `you, me and our child.’

This conscious decision is giving birth to a `new’ child – the new only child emerging today is a confident, well-balanced and social adept only child. Findings reveal that an only child is more socially sensitive, does better in school and is no more likely to be shy, self-centered or spoiled than a child with siblings. In general, only children are quite stable, secure, sharing and happy individuals.

The myths and beliefs of only children being `spoilt or reclusive or ill-adjusted’ have fallen by the wayside as recent studies don’t support them and parents are consciously choosing to have an only child. Today’s only child benefits from the decision taken by the parents after much deliberation who are aware of the necessity of correct role modeling and the kind of stimulation necessary to bring up a well-adjusted, socially able individual.

The debate whether to have one child or more can go on and on as each has its own merits and de-merits. The parents who have opted for either one can rest assured that they can raise a very happy child, with awareness and a positive attitude. Geetika says, “We’ve bounced back and forth between what would be best for Rohan, having a sibling to grow up with, versus being able to afford making it perfect for him. With one child we knew we could do it, but with two it would become a question of maybe. So we decided to have only one child and looking back, I am glad that we did so.”

SINGLE CHILD – THE DILEMMA RESOLVED

The Upside

Your conscious decision to have only child might be based on the desire to give him the best you can afford in terms of material things as well as the emotional attention. You can have all the time in the world for him without the worry of dividing your love. You can concentrate your energies in being the ideal parent to bring up an intellectually stimulated, well-adjusted and physically strong child.

Close Knit

A small family that just has mama, papa and the child, is closer to each other. Parents have to divide their role as parents as well as friends and replace the need for a sibling by being confidantes as well. The child too feels more responsible towards his filial duty and this lasts a lifetime. Eight year old Ayesha says: “I am glad that mummy and daddy are only mine. I am quite happy by myself and no, I don’t miss having a brother or sister – I have so many cousins and friends.”

Practically Perfect

The decision to have an only child works wonderfully for the mother who wants to follow a career. Once she is through the initial job of bringing up the child and he gains more independence, she can resume work and follow the career she wants to.

Grown-up ways

You can make a single child out by the kind of language he uses, the early lips and baby talk is almost always absent from his vocabulary. He talks the same talk as his parents because he has only them for company, whereas a child with an older sibling will use the sibling as the example. Involved parents who are constantly including the child in conversations and activities, help the child to develop intellectually. “With the absence of siblings adult influence is stronger are they are the chief role models. Only children are more adult in their behaviour because early learning is aping adult behaviour.”

Creativity comes to the fore

“Only children tend to be more creative and imaginative. They actively use their minds to keep themselves occupied. At times when there is no one else to share their thoughts and feelings, they indulge in creative pursuits to give voice to them.”

Having only themselves for company, single children tap the source of creativity instinctively and vocalize their emotions and thoughts through art, writing, acting or any other medium that comes naturally to them. They will very often have a favourite toy or an imaginary friend with whom they hold long conversations. `Pretend play’ which is a natural pastime for preschoolers is more heightened in only children. They revel in their role-playing and, if observed carefully, show an amazing eye for detail and creativity.

“Whenever my daughter is extremely happy or sad she immediately sits down to draw. The drawings don’t make much sense to us but when asked she gives a profound explanation that reveals her mood and feelings exactly, leaving me amazed.”

The Flip Side

While there are a whole lot of merits is having only one child, the minuses cannot be ignored. Being aware of them will make parents find innovative ways to avoid problems that accompany an only child.

Spoiling with love

In an only child family, parents focus all their love and attention on their only progeny. “Too much attention and getting all your desires and wants met, work negatively with the child and he tends to become spoilt or self-centered.” He begins to expect things to go the way he wants them and is unable to accept any thwarting of his wish. This inability to accept adverse situations makes him angry and he throws tantrums.

Over-protection breeds insecurity

“Parents of only children are by definition first timers forever. With each stage and each crises it’s the first and only time with them. Because they only have this one child, she seems more precious.”

When you have only one child you are a little more concerned about his welfare than normal and are constantly anxious about his safety. This is not only bad for the parents but also for the child whose personality is not allowed to develop. Climbing trees, jumping walls, flying kites and bursting crackers are all part of the growing process that are essential in development. To let your child grow like a hothouse plant is to restrict the natural process, which will work as an impediment to his growth. Over-protection makes a child depend so much on his parents that he feels insecure without them. Also when your child is ill you tend to become excessively concerned. Relax, it is natural for all first time parents. Fuss as much as you like but don’t transform it into anxiety. Anxiety makes your child anxious. Children are hardly little fellows and will bounce back to health, as illnesses and injuries are a part of growing up.

Company of his own kind

An only child misses out on company of his own kind. His world in an adult world and there is no one to share his little secrets and his mischief. He becomes so used to his parents fawning on him he finds it difficult to get along with other children. He becomes more sensitive to teasing and what he considers rough treatment by his friends. In a game of cricket if he is asked only to field instead of bowl or bat, he feels that the rest are being unfair because papa always let him do all the batting. The extra care that parents take not to ever hurt his feelings makes him vulnerable to criticism and the rough an tumble of peer play. An only child misses out on the fights, the arguments, the rivalry, and the making-up that occur between siblings. This works both ways – it toughens them and at the same time makes them more sensitive to others’ needs. Social skills are thus learnt.

“Friends can simulate this environment right from the early years. So make use of every opportunity for your child to interact with other children and relatives. Take your baby to the market, to the park where he gets natural opportunities to meet other children and learns to socialize. At around age three, children begin to reach out for peers, rather than just parents. Meeting with peers in the playground, going for activity classes, all helps your child to develop his social skills.” Whether it be sharing or coping with a bully or learning to laugh at himself, squabbling or caring – all learning happens in the company of friends. Time thus spent could be the happiest hours of the day. Such is the benefit of group interaction. “I have so many good friends and my parents and I share such wonderful open communication that I have never felt the dearth of siblings or for that matter given it much thought. If at all I feel lonesome at times, I always have a friend to call up. I am quite happy being an only child and so also my parents. They could have always had another child if they wished to.”

Great Expectations

When you have only one, you give him the best but you also want the best from him and the best for him. This puts too much pressure on the child, and he tries his best to excel at academics, sports and any other activity his parents want him to do well at. 18-year-old Sucheta says, “I feel because I am an only child, I am under a lot of pressure from my parents to do well in studies, to have a good career and things like that. They wouldn’t push me so much if there were two of us.” This revealing remark gives an insight into how, unwittingly, parents may impose their expectations on their child who may find this burden a bit difficult to carry. Letting the child have space to develop his own unique identity is the way to bring out the best in him.

Balanced Parenting

Having one or two children is a matter of personal choice. It is your positive attitude and balanced parenting that will make your child thrive. “When the whole world is a family who says he is lonely.”

Kailash Bhatia, father of a 12-year-old boy says “My wife and I decided to have on child so that we could provide the best to him. But 12 years down the line we feel at times that we took the wrong decision… we should have had another child. my son would have definitely benefited having a sibling to play with. He loves the company of kids and feels very protective towards the younger ones. We on our part have, right from the early years, tried to ensure that he has the company of peers, putting him in play school hours. We share a wonderful relationship. We try to spend as much time as we can with him doing everything with him and he is aware of every detail about us, perhaps even my bank balance! He is imaginative and enjoys theatre. At the same time he is practical and knows exactly what he wants to do. Inspite of his awareness of everything he is very much a kid – a happy and a well-adjusted one.”