Positive Strokes

Positive Strokes

DISCIPLINE THAT WORKS

Your child is growing up. Some of the jobs of children between 18 months and three years, are: to discover the realistic limits of their own power, to learn how decision making works, and to find some ways of dealing with frustration.

Toddlers are torn between being “little”-wanting and needing lots of loving care, and being “big”-wanting and needing independence. Fatigue, hunger, excitement, illness or a change in routine rocks their well-laid out plans. To cope they need your help, they need mommy to lead them through, this when they are doing so well being big throws their world into a tumble and the result is temper tantrums.

As a parent it’s helpful to remember that you do want your children to grow up with a feeling of being responsible for their own behavior. Tantrums are a normal and expected part of every child’s development. If children are not allowed to show their anger and fear in an open way, it will come out in a disguised form such as asthma, vomiting, bedwetting, tattling, cruelty to animals or bullying. Our job is to teach our children to express their strong feelings in acceptable ways.

When temper tantrums occur we can try out these time-tested methods.

Distraction is the key

An effective way to discipline a one-year-old is to combine accident-proofing with distraction. Cushion a considerable portion of your home in a manner that enables your child to explore his surroundings safely. And even if he still runs headlong into trouble, pulling out wires, grabbing the dog’s tail-then distract his attention by getting him involved in another activity that he enjoys, but one that is within the danger perimeter.

Turning a deaf ear

Toddler tantrums are primarily attention grabbing techniques. Ignoring minor but annoying habits like whining, pouting, swearing and bickering with siblings, will save you from giving those unnecessary negative strokes. But this is sometimes easier said than done. However remain done however remain calm and immediately take charge after summing up the situation. Do not overreact by yelling or shouting, as this will only aggravate the situation. Turning a deaf ear is most effective when it is coupled with lots of positive attention for behaviour that you approve of. Like saying, “you have a lovely voice”, when she asks for something without whining. But one must remember that ignoring her misbehaviour might cause it to increase before it actually starts diminishing. Effective parenting combined with a lot of patience is important to get the best out of the child.

Reiterating the rule

It is best to give reminders about rules prior to enforcing penalties. Toddlers and pre-schoolers, who are just about learning the ropes to good behaviour, respond to this far better and you will find that a well-timed warning could avert the trouble altogether, or at least stop it from continuing. If your son is making a mess by splashing around in his bath, you might announce in an easy tone, “Remember the rule: water stays in the tub.

If you splash again, you’ll have to get out.” teach your child the importance of good manners. Show appreciation when he or she exhibits appropriate behaviour. Be absolutely clear about what you expect and the consequences that come in its wake. Do not change the rules from one day to another. Warnings involve specific consequences, which you must be prepared to impose if the behaviour continues. They should not be empty threats, but promises that you intend to fulfil.

Provide acceptable alternatives

Sometimes the only things required to stop a child misbehaving are a proper scolding, not a harsh verbal tirade that erodes the child’s self-esteem. Also avoid shaming your child about her character with labeling comments like, “what a slob you are.” Toddlers also have strange ways of showing their anger. If your little one is in the habit of biting when he is angry, try a brief command, “stop biting.” Explain that “biting hurts” and then remind him, “you know the rule. If you bite again, you’ll have to go to your room.” You need to provide him with a working, and an acceptable alternative.

Shouldering responsibilities

Throwing a tantrum is a natural expression of a child’s emotional mindset. And with her fast-developing sense of individuality and independence, it is important to teach a child what the word responsibility entails. Letting her learn from the natural consequences of her actions is probably the most instructive and effective. It will soon dawn on her that she can get sick if she doesn’t wear her jacket on a cold day; or that she will get hungry by mid-afternoon if she doesn’t eat her lunch on time. These self learned lessons will become particularly useful with a child above three, who has a better grasp of effect following cause, but even a two-year old will slowly learn that she has to be responsible for her actions.

Punishment in proportion to the crime

As adults, we know that if we get caught skipping a red light, we risk losing our driver’s license and not our ration card. In the same way, it is important to remember that when disciplining your child punishment is far more effective when logically related to the offence. For instance, if your child insists on riding her bike on the street against your instruments, just put away her bike for the rest of the day. Or, if your son refuse to tidy his room, don’t fix it. Let it remain a mess till he complains sand has to fix it himself.

Taking away privileges

Withdrawing privileges is a great deterrent. Temporarily taking away something that a child enjoys will teach her that if she breaks a rule, she must pay for it with something she values. It’s a good idea to devise suitable consequences for common lapses beforehand as this will prevent you from over penalizing your child in a fit of temper.

Making Amends

If your child has done something to hurt another person’s feeling or property, it is up to you to teach her to make amends, which could be anything from apologizing for rudeness, or helping fix a friend’s bike, to replacing a sibling’s toy. This will teach her about the rights and feeling of others and about taking responsibility for her own harmful actions.

Firmness and follow-up pays

Often parents complain about how their child will just not obey simple commands: “I get late every morning because she just won’t hurry up and get dressed.” Telling them the same thing nicely every day without any follow-up action is teaching your child to ignore you. A good way to handle such behaviour is with the ‘one’ request only’ method. When you give a command, stand within three feet of your child, strike eye contact and state your intention clearly, “I expect you to finish up your milk now.” If he doesn’t start to comply with your request by about 10 seconds, be prepared to help him by holding his glass to his mouth till he finishes. You will need to keep your cool here and not nag, explain or get emotional.

Giving positive incentives

Basically, here, you are placing conditions on an activity your child wants to do, by requiring that something else must be done first. “When you finish your lunch, you can watch cartoons,” or “when you tidy your room you can go out to play.” This method focuses on a positive incentive for obedience and compliance. Remember, saying “when,” implies that the job gets done, whereas “if” implies that it may never get done at all.

Joint action

By presuming that your child is co-operative, the two of you can work together to resolve problems. Choose a time when you are both in a good mood and then talk without interruptions. Explain that you don’t like to have to remind him everyday about the same things and if he took care of his jobs on time, he would have more to spend on what he likes to do.

Time-out

If none of these techniques work then one can resort to calling a time-out. Effectively, this would mean interrupting your child’s mis-behaviour and removing him from the activity for a little while, to sit or stand in a quiet place. This brief social isolation quickly helps an angry or frustrated child to overcome his feelings and regain self-control. This method should be used sparingly for it to work well, and should be confined to problem behaviour that infringes upon the rights of others, such as biting, kicking, hair pulling, hitting or namecalling. A good rule-of-thumb for a time-out is one minute for each year of age.

No matter what methods you use, assume that your child wants to be proud of herself, that she wants to please you, and feel that she belong. And remember: your aim is to help her develop self-discipline, and that the goal is best achieved when you use methods that foster her independence and self-esteem.