Tattling Resolved

Tattling RESOLVED

Teaching tattlers to work it out

To a toddler you are his entire world so when he comes to you with a problem, he is not really complaining, but putting you in the picture, hoping you would resolve it or clear his confusion. “This communication is a very important component of socialization. It is a normal phase in children and sometimes we mistakenly perceive this as tattling.”

Your child may enlist your aid in any one of the following situations:

To get attention -

Right from the time he is born your child receives your entire attention and when he reaches the toddler stage his world does expand gradually, but he still seeks you out time and again.

To get another child into trouble -

If your child has observed that if he complains to you about someone, you scold the offender, he learns that his is a way to get another child into trouble.

To get something they want, when someone else is an obstacle -

A toddler is used to having his parent around to help meet his every need, so when someone, normally an older child, refuses to meet his demands he turns to his parent for help.

When they don’t know how to solve a problem by themselves -

Your toddler seeks your aid when the situation gets too big or complicated for him to handle as when another child is being bullied or beaten or when he perceives danger.

A matter of attitude

Perhaps we need to look into our own attitudes and behaviour to see whether we have encouraged our child to imbibe behaviour which is perceived as tattling or leads to it.

A toddler’s inner sense of right and wrong is imbibed from his immediate environment and this comes to the fore when he perceives something or someone doing a wrong thing. He does not know how to handle it himself so whom does he turn to? Take the case of a child who see his friend jumping on the bed with shoes on. Now he knows that it is not the right thing to do as his mama forbids it. His friend doesn’t listen to him so he goes to his mother and reports – could that be labeled as tattling? Each of us would have our own individual way of tackling such a situation because we can understand what our child is trying to convey. The important thing to remember is that how we handle it is going to be a decisive factor whereby he learns to have a clear understanding of right from wrong.

When your toddler runs to you with a complaint that his friend had pushed him while playing, you could perhaps explain that it happens during play and that his friend didn’t mean to hurt him.

What to do when your child comes to you:

Step 1: Check out the situation

Take stock of the situation yourself, before you worry that your child is turning into a whiny tale tattler. Children need to learn not to tattle but they also need to feel secure in the knowledge that they can ask for help when necessary. As an adult you know that “Mom, Anshu has eaten my chocolate”, is different from “Mom, Anshu is eating from the dog’s bowl.” But your toddler is far too young to know the difference and he will faithfully relate to you all that is bothering him.

If your child continuously asks you to intervene in a situation that she can and should handle herself – if her friend is refusing to share the crayons while both are drawing – that could be taken as a complaint. But if the situation is too much for her – if an older and stronger child is hitting her – she needs to know that she can come to you. Here a timely intervention is most important and you realise that it is not tattling – it is the necessary thing to do.

Step 2: Give a patient hearing

A parent needs to be careful in not brushing off her child every time he runs to her with a tale. Instead if you give him a patient hearing, you’ll benefit by knowing how serious the situation is and he will always feel comfortable in telling you about every bothersome thing.

Many a parent has rued the time they have brushed off their child with a `don’t bother me’, only to see their child hurt. Parents little realise that this apparently harmless remark makes the child hesitant and confused as to whether he should seek parental help, as he is too young to determine which are the situations that merit intervention. At the child or pre-school stage the child then doesn’t know whom to turn to and tries to stumble through the situation by himself. Withdrawing support suddenly leaves a child bereft and unable to comprehend what he has done wrong.

This carries through in the later years and often changes to a more serious `communication gap’ between parent and child and a `why didn’t you tell me?’ routine gets a bitter `but you never listened to me’ reply.

Step 3: Teach him an alternative method to cope

As your toddler grows older he may probably need guidance on what to do instead of tattling. Perhaps you could ask him questions to help him explore why he is telling on someone. Queries like what is bothering him most, what is making him angry, what is bothering him most, what is making him angry, what are the ways a problem can be solved – sharing or taking turns or taking a firm stand, “I’ll not play with you if you hit me”. Reassuring him that you’re interested in solving the problem will soothe him and at the same time teach him to try and work out a way to tackle it.

Step 4: Send him back into the fray

Once you’ve heard the complaint, assessed the dangers, and helped him come up with potential solutions, send him back into the fray. What you want is your child to develop him own problem-solving ability. “Now that sounds like something you can sort out yourself,” should give his confidence a boost and he’ll be eager to show you how well he can resolve the situation. When a parent consistently encourages her child to work out things for himself, he learns the art of negotiation. This stands in good stead in later years as a child who honours his friends sufficiently to avoid adult intervention gains their appreciation and respect.

Punishment often reinforces tattling

When your toddler enlists your help by carrying tales and you join the fray and punish the offender, a tattler is rewarded. By intervening in the power struggle your child is involved in, you have played right into your tattling toddler’s hands – he has managed to get your attention and the other child does get into trouble. This reinforces tattling in your child.

Tattling is sometimes about one child wanting another child to get into trouble, in the mistaken belief that the way to come out looking good in a given situation is by making others look bad.

Toddlers can exaggerate a great deal and unless you have been physically present on the scene, you will not be aware of the precise facts. Thus you may punish a child unjustly if you depend solely on your child’s input. “Many a time I have rushed to the defense of my son in response to some horrifying injustice, only to find that the other child had an equal, if not worse, injustice to relate.”

Emerging of a stronger self

Children need to work together, communicate with each other, and negotiate with each other without the benefit of an adult third party. Not only does friendship, affection and respect develop among peers but they also learn to have faith in themselves and not use someone else as a crutch to step in and make things better.

Responsible Reporting

Telling is reporting to get help and should be encouraged when children are scared, being bothered, touched in an uncomfortable way, hurt, threatened, in danger, or concerned about something.

Responsible reporting is thus very different from tattling but your child needs to be gradually from tattling but your child needs to be gradually taught to distinguish between the two. “You must come and tell me if you or anyone gets hurt or upset or if anyone is doing anything which is not in the rules”, would be a clear enough guideline to start with.