Sharing AND Playing

Sharing AND Playing

It takes time for children to learn to take turns and share

You take your four-year-old to the park and leave her to play with the other children there. And suddenly, you hear her shout at the other child who wants to play with her doll. We may all have been there! While you may urge her to share the toy with her friend, she may be equally adamant about keeping it to herself; and before you know it, the situation can spiral into a tag-of-war between the children.

In the Beginning

According to experts, even babies have an idea of what sharing is about. The infant’s responses to you when you play with her teach her the fundamentals of giving and receiving. However, it is around the age of two years that toddlers start to understand the concept of possession and along with this develop the feelings of ownership and jealousy. A three-year-old may construct her world around her parents, toys and other `possessions’. It may give her a feeling of security. `Mine’ may then imply control, possession and preservation. At times, even if she has no interest in a particular object or toy, she may still be very possessive about it.

Laying the Foundation

For most children, the concept of sharing may not be understood very easily. It seems more natural to her to keep her toy with herself than to give it up to someone else with a smile. Clinging to their toys is natural for all children but it may also be important to teach them to share things with other people, and to cultivate that habit in them as they grow up. Sharing is integral to living with others, and experts believe that parents should introduce this concept early on and consistently reinforce it.

Three-year-old Rahul never used to share anything with others. One day, his mother bought two packets of chips, one for herself and one for him. And she gave him some chips from her own packet. In return, Rahul too shared his goodies with her, albeit only one reluctant piece the first time! As his mother made it a point to teach him to share through such small activities and in the way that he could understand, soon she found that Rahul was sharing stuff comfortably with others.

A Fair Share

Asking and taking permission is also something that your child may need to learn with your help. You can tell your child that since the teddy she wants to play with belongs to her friends, she should ask her first whether she wants to share it with her. You could teach her by examples that she needs to ask the other person before taking or using their things. Although, it may take time to instill this skill in the child here, being your child’s role model helps. When your child sees you practice this habit in your daily interactions, she may too pick up the habit and do so naturally. That way she’ll be able to comprehend that playing together is also associated with sharing and taking turns. And when she does so, appreciate her efforts, give her a hug, a smile or a compliment; and motivate her to keep it up.

When with Siblings

The arrival of a sibling may make your child feel insecure, and she may feel unhappy at finding another claimant to share your attention. At this stage, children are known to become possessive of their toys and parents. So, she may have difficulty in sharing with her siblings because of this feeling of jealousy, rivalry and possessiveness.

What you can do side-step the sibling tussle from erupting into a full scale war, is to first reassure her and to let her feel that nobody can take away her things or her place in your life. And try not to tell the elder child all the time to be the one to give or share. Instead, strike a balance and set some rules. This would help to establish boundaries so that neither child feels trespassed upon. For instance, if the toy belongs to the younger child, then the other child must first ask her before she can use it – this creates respect for each other and their possessions. If one child refuses to share, try not to scold or confiscate the object in question. Try taking the middle path – by mutual agreement the siblings could exchange toys and their things. Also, try the `timer’ technique – children could share toys and interests by taking turns and playing with them for the agreed amount of time. Sometimes, it may seem easier to keep two or more of the same kind of items but doesn’t overuse this method. Actually, it may even be a better opportunity to teach the child to share on her own. If it is something that the siblings are eating, one child could divide the food and the other can choose which portion to take. The children, feeling in control, may realise that it works to each one’s benefit. The method can also be a success when she is playing with her friends. But the added advantage can be that she may learn to solve her `disputes’ without parental help. And when you see your children sharing and playing peacefully together, don’t forget to praise them.

And when with pals

When you take your child to play with her friends or when her friends come over, it can be a good time to encourage your child to practice the art of sharing. But teaching that can also be a challenge. The `guest’ may be thrilled to have unfamiliar things to explore while the `host’ would probably be vary of having her things touched. She may even be worried that her toys would be spoiled or broken.

To avoid any tantrums and fights from breaking out, have a plan ready when other children are there to play with her. Take her view point into consideration, and try set to rest any of her anxieties. A younger child may see sharing as an invasion of her space. Tell her in advance about the other children coming over and, ask her to take out the toys that she would like to play with and wouldn’t mind sharing.

A Gradual Process

If she is not too receptive to the idea, give her time and talk about the things and, the fun she expect to have when she has friends with her to play and share her toys with them. In such a situation, according to the experts, some children may be more flexible than others. For pre-schoolers, generally, the more they think of the ideas, options and possible play scenarios, the easier it becomes to share their things. Another idea could be that of mutual sharing where the visiting children can bring over some of their own toys. She may be encouraged to hand over her things, when the playmate has something to offer in return.

When other children are there to play with her toys, tell them beforehand to handle these with care, and if they do not, they may lose the chance to play with them. Draw home the point to your child too, that only if she’ll let others play and share her things would she be able to enjoy the toys and games that other have. When you give her the choice regarding the toys others can share, she may herself decide to take out the `special’ toys to play with them.

When She Shares

When you take your child to a friend’s house, the habit of taking the other child’s permission before taking something would stand her in good stead, even in school. By the time she is three years old, she can understand that sharing something does not mean that she will lose that thing. She knows and expects it to be returned back to her. Till the time she learns this, an effective way to help her would be to adopt the method of taking turns. If she happen to break someone else’s toy, help her realise how her friend may be feeling and guide her into making amends by apologizing – with words and gestures. It may be a lesson that can teach her to be responsible and be sensitive about other’s things and her own.

Experts feel that a child would share only when she feels a need to do so. She may not automatically learn to take turns and let others play with her things but most children, as they grow up, learn that the personal and social rewards are greater when they share than by keeping things with themselves. To learn the skill of sharing things, it would take patience on your part and practice on her side.