Tacling Aggression

Tackling AGGRESSION

Understanding your child’s aggressive responses and ways to deal with it

Experts believe that responding in an aggressive manner is a normal part of a child’s development. Many children in the age group of three to five, hit, kick, grab things and scream themselves blue in the face.

Letting off steam

Around the age of four, children tend to become self-assertive, and bossy. Experts believe that when children begin to distinguish between their self and the others, they may hit out at external objects. Learning a variety of skills and with all that he is trying to accomplish – from speaking in complex sentences to studying in a school – can be frustrating for him. He may then employ aggression to deal with a world that is beyond his control – and such a response is both normal and healthy.

Sometimes, the cause of his aggression can be fear. If he feels cornered by his classmate, he may lash out. Some experts believe that children who are constantly overindulged may be more prone to throwing tantrums and becoming aggressive when their tantrums are not met. At the same time, a lack of affection from adults can also be a cause of aggressive behaviour. Sometimes, it may be as simple as him being hungry or tired.

Curbing Aggression

Studies indicate that aggression has a role to play in the child’s emotional development. A repression of any negative feelings may seem like a step forward in self-control but, according to experts, it can make him lose or curb his creativity and spontaneity. A difference between him and you is that you have the capacity to hold your temper in check, whereas his self-control is yet not fully developed. He may not have the verbal skills to vent his frustration so he can only handle any conflict in his own way. Connecting to the reasons of his behaviour might help him figure out a way to deal with it.

Experts believe that an effective way to overcome aggression is to try and make the child re-interpret the situation. For instance, pose the question to him - `What if you had an expensive toy, would you allow others to use it’? Or, try to make him see that his teacher behaved the way she did because maybe she didn’t understand what he had been trying to tell her. Role-playing and connecting his experiences to that of others may be helpful. Encourage him to express his thoughts and feelings about what and who makes him angry. And in turn, talk to him about school, friends and see what you can learn.

Dealing with it

When he is having a tantrum, your child would probably be too upset to respond or even listen to you. And although, he is commanding attention he is not in command of the situation. So, the first thing you can do when trying to deal with his anger is to reinforce your presence and reassure him that you are in control. You could take him to his room, or to the park – any quiet nook where he can unwind. And, then give him time to calm down. If you feel it may help to hold him, then do just that. It would also help to convey to him that you love him – no matter what.

Handling violence

When he is calm enough to listen to you, tell him that while it is okay to be angry when things don’t go his way, it is not okay to hit anyone. A violent behaviour would demand a quick response on your part – it should not be ignored, or condoned. Violence teaches violence so, make sure that you are calm before you discipline him. As much as possible, respond to his aggressive behaviour in the same way every time. Respond immediately and let him know when he had done something wrong.

Experts recommend talking to the child in an authoritative tone, and telling him that hitting, kicking is not acceptable. The best time to talk would be when he has settled down but before he forgets the whole episode. Early on, instill in him the idea that to be kind or gentle is not being weak or a pushover. If he gets down to fist fights with other children and you have to referee, remember not to take sides. Positive role modeling and discussion can also help. Children may be influenced by fantasy versions of violence – a cartoon character or games that may lead to perception of some violent acts as funny. Reinforcing responsibility – if his actions have damaged or broken someone else’s toy or made a mess, help him to make it right and to apologies for it.

Most children respond well to reassurance, praise and time. If you find even a minuscule change in his behaviour, showing your support with encouraging words and a small pat on the back can accomplish a lot. He will eventually outgrow his aggressive behaviour as he discovers how to us words to get his point across rather than his hands, and learns to communicate better.