Taming AGGRESSION

Taming AGGRESSION

The whys and wherefores of toddler aggression

When babies begin to distinguish between self and non-self spontaneously, they hit out at external objects. And so begins their discovery of the world around them. This is both healthy and normal. Your child needs a certain amount of aggression to deal with a world that is beyond his control. Aggression has a positive value in a child’s emotional development. The action releases pent up anger and frustration and also teaches your child that aggression’s limited and expendable. If a child represses his negative feelings, although he may be a step ahead in self-control, he loses spontaneity and this curbs his very creativity.

Throwing tantrums

Pre-schoolers often resort to aggression when they don’t get a toy they covet or else when a playmate snatches a treasured possession. In such an eventuality, you first try and reason with your child and if he does not pay heed, your temper begins to get a little frayed. Before you know it, you’ve got a shouting match (or worse) on your hands.

But even though it may try your patience sorely, you need to hand in there. The difference between your child and you is that you can hold your temper in check whereas your child’s self-control is not yet fully developed. He doesn’t have the verbal skills that you possess to vent your verbal frustration, so he can handle this emotional conflict in only one way – his way. He reacts spontaneously by yelling, kicking, maybe even biting his friend or you.

So, what do you do now? Your child is too upset to respond or even to listen to you. Save the post-mortem for later. He needs positive not negative signals from you. Although he is commanding attention he’s not in command of the situation. On the contrary it has all become too much for him to cope with and he is no doubt a little frightened too.

Dealing with Anger

They very first thing you have to do is to promptly and firmly remove your child from the scene. Get a strong grip as opposed to a killing clinch – something that reinforces your solid presence and reassures him that you are in control. Take him into a quiet place – his room, a corner of the park or any quiet nook where he can unwind. The next step is to calm him down. This may take a long time. If it helps to hold him then do just that. It conveys a lot of important messages that you love him no matter what, that you are in control even if he’s not and that you are there to see that he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else.

When you have him calm enough to listen to you, tell him that while it is okay to get angry when things don’t go his way, it is not okay if he hits someone in the process. Tell him there are healthier ways to let off stream so that he feels the better for it. Then tell him what you think are acceptable ways of dealing with anger and frustration.

Pressure release for you

There’s a lot of pressure on you – to be there, to be understanding, to help your child recognise and cope with aggression. So before you hit the ceiling, try and depressurize. Work off your tension by busying yourself around the house with some mundane chore. And before you tackle your child’s problem you need to work off the aggression in your own system.

“My hero strongest”

These day’s pre-schoolers watch a lot of television and since the boundary between reality and fantasy is still blurred, they are vulnerable to the negative influences of the small screen. Mimicking behaviour they have seen on the television doesn’t just erode their imaginative and creative play, it can actually, physically harm them. For instance the hero is bashed, battered and roughed up but he comes back for more. So in the rough and tumble imitative play, a child could very well end up with a busted nose and him playmates will only wonder why he stopped play to scream in anguish. That’s not the way they do it in the movies.

You as a role model

Sometimes you may face complaints from school; squabbles, scuffles and maybe criticism from some irate parents. Talk to your child about school, about his friends, the games they play and see what you can learn. Sometimes a normally gentle and kind child may tag along with the school bullies simply because they afford him a sort of protection – atleast they won’t turn on him. And sometimes your child may mistakenly want to identify with a `macho’ image so that he is not dubbed a sissy.

You can only teach him by showing him what you accept as a standard. That to be kind or gentle is not the same as being weak or a pushover. Your own value system can be a fallback if you can show your child that in a world that is already bristling with aggression, blessed are the peacemakers.

When children get down to fisticuffs and you have to referee, remember not to take sides. It’s immaterial who started it, they must not hurt each other. Sometimes just switching body language helps. Instead of lashing out he can say `No!’ loudly. Everytime he acts in this `grown up’ fashion, praise him. Watch your step because your child is influenced by behaviour he sees and you are the one he sees most often.

Ways to let off steam

Some safety valves to offer your child. He can:

· Pound a ball of clay or aata

· Scribble horrible pictures of the person he hates at that moment.

· Bang the floor with a toy hammer or a shoe (when the people downstairs are not asleep)

· Throw a pillow without aiming at you, the cat or the glass vase

· Splash vigorously in a tub of water

· Punch a beanbag

· Shout into a tape recorder

· Tear up old newspapers

· Run round and round the garden till he is exhausted