Moving Past the 'NO'

Moving Past the `No’

Understanding what your child is trying to convey

when he says `no’ and helping him get past it

Usually, as a parent of a child within the age group of one to three, you may find the word `no’ becoming an important element not only in your child’s speech but in your responses to him as well! However, experts believe that learning to say `no’ is indicative of his development and emotional growth.

Beginning to say `no’ is an aspect of behaviour technically called negativism. Like the other species of animals, children have the inner drive to grow to adulthood and independence from their parents. Saying `no’ is then a reflection of his growth, development and the attempt to exercise some amount of control over the surroundings. His motor and language skills will also be developing – leading him to run away from you or shout his unwillingness to abide by your request. Just as he would need balanced meals to sustain his physical growth, he’ll need to exercise control to fuel his emotional growth. He may also say the word `no’ because of the very fact that he can – he has found out that he has a will and he wants to exercise it! Another reason may be that it is one of the few words that he knows.

Budding Individuality

Around the age of one-and-a-half, almost all children start walking – that is their first sign of individuality. Psychologically, it is also an important time of bonding between the child and you. His inclination may however, veer towards `no’ to whatever you have in mind for him, at times even if the prospect appeals to him! So, `no’ may be used as a declaration of his independence – contrarily, where the negative is deployed as an assetion of selfhood. Experts also look at it as an acknowledgement by the child that he and the parent are two separate beings. But until he accepts and feels secure in his separateness from you, it may lead him to depend on the negatives.

A positive approach

When the process of `socialisation’ begins, or when he enters a play school, your child will begin to encounter certain boundaries of rules and conduct of behaviour. He may start to hear the word `no’ and `don’t’ often, which he may not have heard as a baby and they’ll be new words to him. With the exception of the child’s name, according to research, it is the term `no’ that is oft repeated in front of the child – “No, you’ll hurt yourself”, or “? No, don’t jump off the bed” and so on.

So, not only does your child say the word often, others around him too bombard his mind with the meaning and function of the word and according to experts, it does have and influence on the child. Also, to a child at this age, there are a whole lot of things that would seem fascinating and he may want to investigate them in his own way. But many of them may be off limits to him; so the more adventurous he becomes, more familiar `no’ may become to him.

Experts recommend that rather than warning him every other day about electrical cords, telephones, forbidden or breakable objects, put an effort into child-proofing your home. If you don’t want him to play with your collection of books, make sure it is kept out of reach. It may not completely stop your child from refusing to comply with your requests but it can help to establish a more positive environment for him.

Joint action

When you hear your child’s continuous chorus of `no’s’, retaining your humour may be difficult but it can help to avert a tantrum and provide relief for all of you. As you’d know, a child of this age can be very funny and ingenious when he is trying to push the limits. So, tease him with choices and turn his `no’ into something funny. Ask him a string of improbable questions to which he can only say `no’, for example – “Will you eat bread with biscuit?” He’ll join in the fun and will find it easier to do whatever he had said `no’ to earlier. Also, it may help to make his `no’ a less automatic and mechanical response.

If making your child go to the potty brings on his streak of stubbornness; try to make the task fun. Tell him he is Batman and `fly’ him to the toilet one-day or take him hopping the next day. Siblings can egg each other on to co-operate; he can be made to feel like the big boy who knows all the rules. Your child could be stubbornly asking for something, but he is also young enough to be distracted away from whatever would be bringing on his `no’. Expanding his vocabulary and helping him to verbalize his needs can be beneficial. Ask him questions like, “What is the opposite of `no’?” or “What comes in between `no’ and `yes’?” et cetera.

Responding right

If he screams `no’ to going back home from the park, hug him and show him that you are on his side. If you have told him that it is time to go home and the you procrastinate, there may be problems when it is time to leave. He’ll think saying so doesn’t make it so. Also, according to experts, it would be best to be firm on things that can harm the child. A few basic rules can help to avoid the problem.

I remember how my aunt responded to her three-year-old daughter when she used to start answering back in one `no’ too many. She would just say, “Okay, than I’ll do it myself” and more often than not, the daughter with her fierce independent streak used to answer back – “No, I can do it.” Here, the `no’ had a more constructive outcome. But experts say deployment of reverse psychology may not be a very good idea, as it may breed insecurity.

When your child is saying `no’ to even your simplest suggestions, reword it in such a way that it makes it sound better to him. For instance, you tell him to get ready for bed and he refuses to do so. Instead ask him, “Do you want to got to the park tomorrow” and if he says `yes’, you have your opening to make going to sleep sound more appealing!

Learning limits

By the age of two, he would most likely have developed a strong will of his own, which would make it difficult for him to conform to the schedules and routine you’ll set for him. `Mine’ become a child’s mantra at this age and he would want what he wants, when he wants it. And he wants to know just how the rules are defined – “If I go this close to the roof, will I be told to move back?” He may be stuck between needing you to make him comply and `owning’ a rule so that he can follow it when you are not around. A combination of the need to follow directives and a toddler’s natural self-centeredness will not make the road to obedience smooth. Let him know you are in charge, don’t let `no’ become his tool to bully you.

At the same time, be flexible. For instance, he can play with any or all of his toys but you’ll be in charge of how long he can play before it’s time to go to bed.

According to experts, children, especially those in this age group, learn through imitation and imbibe the behavioural patterns of those around them. Your child, who refuses to co-operate with what you ask him to do, may be actually delighting in making you respond to his actions. But, he would not be acting out of spite or a sense of rebellion. He is learning and enjoying turning attention instantly towards himself!

Try and avoid using the word `no’ while the child is discovering and learning about the world around him, say experts. So, how can you set limits and make this stage of his life easier for him? The ways of showing him the boundaries and responding to his `no’s’ would be varied, but the message should be consistent. If the child sees you following certain rules – say for instance, of walking on the footpath while on the road – he may pick up valuable lessons in safety.

In control

When he is repeating `no’ like a favourite rhyme, trying to get his attention can seem a chore. To gain his response, attention and understanding, it would help to explain everything to him at his level. Experts feel that the fastest way to get a two-year-old to comply with your rules is to react consistently when he breaks them. Also, do not delay your response or separate the consequences of the action from the action itself. He may have the ability to understand and accept the things that you are trying to communicate to him but he may be able to reason it out at his level of understanding. Flexibility will have a role to play here too – the corollary to the `be consistent’ idea.

When the choices he wants to make are not dangerous, let him steer the boat for a change. It will be a recognition of this emerging sense of self. At this stage, offer the options that do not have the right or wrong answer – let him first have an understanding of `right’ to be able to make those decisions.

Experts say that if he feels in control of the situation, and gets the chance to explore and exercise his options. He’ll be less likely to balk at your decisions and authority. So, if he is saying `no’ to a particular shirt that you want him to wear, lay out two shits and tell him to choose from them. Here, counting to 10 can work with an indecisive toddler – waiting for him to choose and hearing your countdown may help to make up his mind. Studies show that children of this age often choose the second alternative simply because it may be the last one they hear! According to experts, give the child around two choices; if you give him too many options he may not be able to decide and may become more confused and irritable.

Effective messages

When trying to get past the stage of `no’, reasoning with him cannot be your only response. It may work with an older child but where behavioural responses are concerned, a two-year-old has not yet reached the `age of reason’. Toddler thought is egocentric – so, your child’s main concerns would be how something would affect him. If he says `no’ to wearing warm clothes then telling him that he can’t play outside would have more of an effect than trying to explain to him the ill-effects of being out in the cold. Or, you could stall and make him think by giving him the power to decide – “All your friends are wearing a cap and only you won’t be wearing one. Do you want that?”

Expressing your anger in a steam of words, too much talk when combined with a loud voice can in fact, overwhelm your child and he’ll not be able to absorb the message. So, follow the example of advertisers – give him short and specific messages. You may however, have to restate what you are saying to him a number of times – which is the way he will learn.

Acceptable alternatives

To get a co-operative response from him, concentrate on the solution rather than the problem. Comments like “Bad boy” or “Put the plate back” can make him even more stubborn. Instead saying, “Will you help mummy to put the things back?” can get the desired response.

There is a saying that goes like – catch your child being good or he’ll misbehave to get your attention. According to experts, by motivating a child, you can get the most defiant and stubborn two-year-old to co-operate. Even verbal incentives like, “Stop jumping on the bed and we can go out to play” can get him to comply.

Discipline

A flexible approach to discipline, taking into account his individuality, developmental stages and needs would show you the way. Unless a child is old enough to understand how or why he must behave the way he is asked to, you may be faced with his temper tantrums. Plan ahead and give him an open, honest account of the consequences. However, be sure that like every child of his age he’ll be tempted to test out the `threat’ and see if it is real. If he is refusing to stop playing with your crystal vase even though you’ve told him that it can break, he is sure to try it al least once! Experts say that at his age, it would help to have reasonable expectations from your child.

Positive strokes

Your child at this age of life may act like a budding scientist –exploring the world around him and experimenting with things and modes of behaviour. If you have rules for every situation and nos. for his action, it could curb his independent spirit; leading him to blindly follows all your rules or rebelliously turns against them. Strive for a balance between the rules and lessons you want him to learn; do not see his deployment of the word `no’ as defiance or as an opportunity for you to teach him all the finer points of life. You may ask him to stop playing with the broom, which he’ll find almost impossible to put away!

One heartening feature of his being in this stage may be that he is practising his new skills on the person he trusts most – namely you. Children under the age of three are busy figuring out who they are and what power they may have; thinking out who they are and what power they may have; thinking about how to get along with others may not be high on their priority list! Reasonable limits and `lightness’ can set your energetic child on the road to independence and co-operation. Help him do the right thing because he wants to and not because he is afraid. Moving beyond the stage of `no’ would then be not about controlling him but teaching him to control himself.