Positive Strokes

Positive Strokes

DISCIPLINE THAT WORKS

Your child is growing up. Some of the jobs of children between 18 months and three years, are: to discover the realistic limits of their own power, to learn how decision making works, and to find some ways of dealing with frustration.

Toddlers are torn between being “little”-wanting and needing lots of loving care, and being “big”-wanting and needing independence. Fatigue, hunger, excitement, illness or a change in routine rocks their well-laid out plans. To cope they need your help, they need mommy to lead them through, this when they are doing so well being big throws their world into a tumble and the result is temper tantrums.

As a parent it’s helpful to remember that you do want your children to grow up with a feeling of being responsible for their own behavior. Tantrums are a normal and expected part of every child’s development. If children are not allowed to show their anger and fear in an open way, it will come out in a disguised form such as asthma, vomiting, bedwetting, tattling, cruelty to animals or bullying. Our job is to teach our children to express their strong feelings in acceptable ways.

When temper tantrums occur we can try out these time-tested methods.

Distraction is the key

An effective way to discipline a one-year-old is to combine accident-proofing with distraction. Cushion a considerable portion of your home in a manner that enables your child to explore his surroundings safely. And even if he still runs headlong into trouble, pulling out wires, grabbing the dog’s tail-then distract his attention by getting him involved in another activity that he enjoys, but one that is within the danger perimeter.

Turning a deaf ear

Toddler tantrums are primarily attention grabbing techniques. Ignoring minor but annoying habits like whining, pouting, swearing and bickering with siblings, will save you from giving those unnecessary negative strokes. But this is sometimes easier said than done. However remain done however remain calm and immediately take charge after summing up the situation. Do not overreact by yelling or shouting, as this will only aggravate the situation. Turning a deaf ear is most effective when it is coupled with lots of positive attention for behaviour that you approve of. Like saying, “you have a lovely voice”, when she asks for something without whining. But one must remember that ignoring her misbehaviour might cause it to increase before it actually starts diminishing. Effective parenting combined with a lot of patience is important to get the best out of the child.

Reiterating the rule

It is best to give reminders about rules prior to enforcing penalties. Toddlers and pre-schoolers, who are just about learning the ropes to good behaviour, respond to this far better and you will find that a well-timed warning could avert the trouble altogether, or at least stop it from continuing. If your son is making a mess by splashing around in his bath, you might announce in an easy tone, “Remember the rule: water stays in the tub.

If you splash again, you’ll have to get out.” teach your child the importance of good manners. Show appreciation when he or she exhibits appropriate behaviour. Be absolutely clear about what you expect and the consequences that come in its wake. Do not change the rules from one day to another. Warnings involve specific consequences, which you must be prepared to impose if the behaviour continues. They should not be empty threats, but promises that you intend to fulfil.

Provide acceptable alternatives

Sometimes the only things required to stop a child misbehaving are a proper scolding, not a harsh verbal tirade that erodes the child’s self-esteem. Also avoid shaming your child about her character with labeling comments like, “what a slob you are.” Toddlers also have strange ways of showing their anger. If your little one is in the habit of biting when he is angry, try a brief command, “stop biting.” Explain that “biting hurts” and then remind him, “you know the rule. If you bite again, you’ll have to go to your room.” You need to provide him with a working, and an acceptable alternative.

Shouldering responsibilities

Throwing a tantrum is a natural expression of a child’s emotional mindset. And with her fast-developing sense of individuality and independence, it is important to teach a child what the word responsibility entails. Letting her learn from the natural consequences of her actions is probably the most instructive and effective. It will soon dawn on her that she can get sick if she doesn’t wear her jacket on a cold day; or that she will get hungry by mid-afternoon if she doesn’t eat her lunch on time. These self learned lessons will become particularly useful with a child above three, who has a better grasp of effect following cause, but even a two-year old will slowly learn that she has to be responsible for her actions.

Punishment in proportion to the crime

As adults, we know that if we get caught skipping a red light, we risk losing our driver’s license and not our ration card. In the same way, it is important to remember that when disciplining your child punishment is far more effective when logically related to the offence. For instance, if your child insists on riding her bike on the street against your instruments, just put away her bike for the rest of the day. Or, if your son refuse to tidy his room, don’t fix it. Let it remain a mess till he complains sand has to fix it himself.

Taking away privileges

Withdrawing privileges is a great deterrent. Temporarily taking away something that a child enjoys will teach her that if she breaks a rule, she must pay for it with something she values. It’s a good idea to devise suitable consequences for common lapses beforehand as this will prevent you from over penalizing your child in a fit of temper.

Making Amends

If your child has done something to hurt another person’s feeling or property, it is up to you to teach her to make amends, which could be anything from apologizing for rudeness, or helping fix a friend’s bike, to replacing a sibling’s toy. This will teach her about the rights and feeling of others and about taking responsibility for her own harmful actions.

Firmness and follow-up pays

Often parents complain about how their child will just not obey simple commands: “I get late every morning because she just won’t hurry up and get dressed.” Telling them the same thing nicely every day without any follow-up action is teaching your child to ignore you. A good way to handle such behaviour is with the ‘one’ request only’ method. When you give a command, stand within three feet of your child, strike eye contact and state your intention clearly, “I expect you to finish up your milk now.” If he doesn’t start to comply with your request by about 10 seconds, be prepared to help him by holding his glass to his mouth till he finishes. You will need to keep your cool here and not nag, explain or get emotional.

Giving positive incentives

Basically, here, you are placing conditions on an activity your child wants to do, by requiring that something else must be done first. “When you finish your lunch, you can watch cartoons,” or “when you tidy your room you can go out to play.” This method focuses on a positive incentive for obedience and compliance. Remember, saying “when,” implies that the job gets done, whereas “if” implies that it may never get done at all.

Joint action

By presuming that your child is co-operative, the two of you can work together to resolve problems. Choose a time when you are both in a good mood and then talk without interruptions. Explain that you don’t like to have to remind him everyday about the same things and if he took care of his jobs on time, he would have more to spend on what he likes to do.

Time-out

If none of these techniques work then one can resort to calling a time-out. Effectively, this would mean interrupting your child’s mis-behaviour and removing him from the activity for a little while, to sit or stand in a quiet place. This brief social isolation quickly helps an angry or frustrated child to overcome his feelings and regain self-control. This method should be used sparingly for it to work well, and should be confined to problem behaviour that infringes upon the rights of others, such as biting, kicking, hair pulling, hitting or namecalling. A good rule-of-thumb for a time-out is one minute for each year of age.

No matter what methods you use, assume that your child wants to be proud of herself, that she wants to please you, and feel that she belong. And remember: your aim is to help her develop self-discipline, and that the goal is best achieved when you use methods that foster her independence and self-esteem.

Hurry Up Taking Time Over Everything

Hurry Up

Taking time over everything

You haven’t finished it as yet! You started it eating that orange half an hour ago & you are still at it!

Why does it take you so long? Do try and hurry up!”. This harried mother’s voice echoes the feelings of countless others ass the day begins, with the pre-schooler apparently dawdling over the morning meal. We parents operate with an eye on the clock while children function at their own pace. A three or four year-old just doesn’t know the meaning of ‘hurry’ or the importance of time or those goals are time-centered. Thus he dawdles, stares, ruminates, and stops suddenly, infuriating you to the extent of wanting to tear your hair out in sheer frustration. Restrain yourself from doing the latter as it will only leave you with bald patches while your pre-schooler stops to stare with that ‘mamma’s gone mad’ kind of amazement, wasting even more precious time.

The world is a big place

Your child is in that point of time when he is discovering that the world is a big place with so many things to explore. A ray of sunlight catches their attention, fascinates them, draw them on to wonderingly explore the tiny specks of dust so clearly visible. We adults who have seen it all can recognize his fascination but fail to understand why it occupies his attention for so long. We shatter his absorption by a strident “come on! Its just a ray of sunlight.” His reply “but it was beautiful,” remains unuttered as he takes in the pinched nostrils, the frowning forehead, and follows you obediently.

“I want to share these special moments with him but honestly if I stopped to be fascinated as he was with every little thing, I’d never get to work!” Moans a mother of a four-year old, torn between wanting to share her child’s excitement and the world ruled by time. Perhaps if we start our morning routines a little earlier we may be able to share a moment or two of wonder with our pre-schooler and still have enough time left over for the innumerable tasks we need to do prior to leaving for work.

Helping out

We are all familiar with the many occasions we’ve considered it too time consuming for our child to complete a task by himself and rushed in to do it ourselves-doing up his shores, pushing his arms through the sleeves and so on. Your more individualistic youngster protests that he can manage it and a tussle ensues. Others just become slower as they can’t relate to ‘hurry’. At these times, just occupy yourself with other chores, preferably in another room so that you are not tempted to ‘helpout’. With practice you’ll find it easier to let your child manage tasks by himself, leaving more time for you to do your own work.

Motivation

If we don’t rush and push, our children can accomplish much more than we credit them with. For example if we allow a three-year-old to just walk without fixing a destination or setting a pace, we’ll find that she can cover a fairly long distance. But the minute we bring in factors like reaching on time, your child feels exhausted, only to suddenly get activated at the sight of a point of interest further up the road! It’s motivation that matters. The same child who took ages to swallow a mouthful wipes her plate clean when it’s a favourite, or when the same food is served differently making it more appealing.

Not doing anything

There will be times when your child will just like to be, without doing anything, that is according to our perception. But they are not doing ‘nothing’. They are watching and absorbing, sometimes pondering and deciding. Children need this time to just be in between periods of activity. He may need this private time. These bouts of inactivity or apparent daydreaming are not a sign of some illness coming on, your child is only unwinding. At these times it’s best to let him be when he wants to do something or join an activity, he will. Cajoling him or trying to snap him out of it may backfire and you may be left facing an even quieter, mutinous child.

Pre-planned quality time

Working parents often rely on quality time for active interaction with their children. The problem begins when your child is occupied with other things and may not be too keen to actively participate in the interaction. While the busy parent feels the need to be seriously child –centered at these times, cramming in all the things that she feels are necessary to bond with her child, her pre-schooler rarely needs his mother at her convenience. He’d rather just play around in his mother’s vicinity. When you force unwanted attention on your child, he may respond with monosyllables or show disinterest by dawdling over the activities. All your child needs is to have you there, occasional cuddles and kisses and the freedom to do what he pleases. So just be there as that is the only kind of ‘quality time’ your preschooler wants.

Give him space

A child doesn’t need to be stimulated continuously. He may just need to be quiet to think his own thoughts and to just sit and stare. “When does a child find time to consolidate, to calm down, to take stock if not at these moments of quiet?”

Your child is at these times just finding a way out from a world that is heavily controlled by others so just leave him alone. A pre-schooler is expected to attend play school, participate in activities there, play during a noisy and frantic break and then respond intelligently and at length to the stream of questions his mother directs at him no sooner has he stepped into the house. If he is given space, it is normally in front of the television with thousands of images invading his mind-so where is the time to just be?

When a child is not given these moments, he may rebel by refusing to be rushed, or by deliberately slowing down.

Let childhood be the time of their lives

The pre-school years are the time when we must allow our children to take what time they need for themselves in order to grow spontaneously. These are the years when we need to allow them to relax-to sit and look if he wants to, to enjoy things to his heart’s content, to be quiet as long as he wants to and free of all pressure to constantly hurry him along.

Taking a Pic with Respected Sir, Mr. Rajesh Kukreja.C.A (White Trousers and Black Shirt

Synergy with Marketing Heads of Multinational Company

Honouring The Chief Guest Principal of Vishal Bharti Public School

A Fair Share

A Fair Share

Teach your child the skill of give and take

You take your three-year-old to a park and leave her to play in the sand and watch her play with other children. Suddenly you hear your child scream as the toddler she is playing with is snatching her teddy. You cajole her to share her teddy with her friend but she is no mood to oblige and the poor teddy is about to be torn apart between the two of them.

Clinging to their toys is natural to all children but it is also necessary to teach them to share and reinforce the habit, though ever so gently.

A small beginning

Around two years of age, toddlers start to understand the concept of possession and along with this develop the feelings of jealousy and anger.

Two-and-a-half-year-old children make a world around them, which includes their parents and toys. This gives them a feeling of security. Mine means preservation. Even if they have no interest in a particular toy, they are very possessive about it. At this stage you can begin to instill the idea of sharing by telling your child `this is Tina’s ball let us ask whether she will share it with you.”

Teach them the way they will understand

“I observed that my three-year-old son Rohit never shared things with others. One hay I bought two packets of wafers, one for him and the other for myself. I gave him some wafers from my packet. In return, Rohit very reluctantly took out one piece from his packet and gave it to me. And I made it a point to teach him to share though such small activities. Very soon I began to observe that he was sharing his toys and eatables comfortably with others,” says Rashmi Chug.

Be their role models

Sharing is not about giving alone but also taking permission of the owner before taking. We need to teach our children to take permission before taking someone else’s things. We ourselves should practise this habit and children will do it naturally. When they do so, appreciate their effort with a hug, smile or a compliment, which will motivate them to keep up.

Sharing with siblings

The arrival of a sibling may make your three-year-old child feel insecure as your attention gets divided. She will become very possessive about her toys. Many children have difficulty in sharing with their siblings because of this feeling of rivalry. Reassure your child and let her feel that nobody can take away her things or place.

Don’t keep telling the elder sibling to give or share her toys. Instead, if one sibling owns the toy, the other must ask permission to use it, this creates a respect for each other’s possessions. When one sibling refuses to give her toy do not scold her or confiscate the toy. But make a mutual agreement that if one gives a toy the other one gives his toy in return and after they finish playing they return the toys, Every time you see your children having a fight over a toy do not jump in to intervene. Let them be, many times they sort out the problem themselves.

Sharing with friends

When you take your three-year-old to your friend’s house or when a friend’s children come over it is a good time to encourage a sharing attitude. Tell your child in advance about the other children coming over to your house. Ask him to take out the toys that he would like to share. By taking his permission you have given him the space and shown respect for his possessions and set to rest his anxiety.

Remember your kid may be worried that his toy will be broken or spoiled. When other children come to play with his toys, tell them firmly that toys should be handled nicely and if they are not, you will take them away.

Also draw home the point to your child that other children will let him play with their toys only when he shares his toys with them.

When you take your child to a friend’s house, the habit of taking permission before taking something, that you have inculcated, will stand him in good stead. If your child happens to damage or break another child’s toy, help him realise how his friend would be feeling about it. Guide him into making amends with words and gestures. This will teach him to be responsible and sensitive about using other’s things.

Eating Together

Eating

TOGETHER

Regular family mealtimes provide great benefits, agree most experts. They provide a time for families to reconnect, share daily events, and continue to deepen relationships. It wasn’t until I had children of my own that I began to understand the triumph my mother pulled off every evening. It’s all too easy to prize togetherness and still find it nearly impossible to get everyone to the dinner table at the same time. Small children tend to get hungry long before adults do and generally don’t care for nutritious `grown-up’ food. And those are just the problems that crop up before the kids get older and television and sports practice begin to take preference. Here are some simple ways to make family mealtimes a little easier:

Try to change priorities

The change has to begin with you, even if it means giving up a few things, such as watching your favourite television serial, postponing a phone call or office-related work. Make it a priority. The others will soon follow.

Eat at the table

At the table, family members have no choice but to face and focus on each other, and will soon grow to look forward to it.

Avoid distraction

Turn off the television and radio so that everyone can focus on conversation without distraction. Nutritionists are concerned that `TV-dinner’ kids might tune out their natural hunger cues.

Keep the mood positive

Your focus should be on pleasant family interactions. Mealtime is not the time to discuss family problems or discipline issues. Food is digested more easily in a relaxed atmosphere.

Make it fun

You could ask everyone to narrate a fun anecdote from their day. Be sure to let everyone get equal time and that children are listened to as attentively as grown-ups are.

Model good manners

Experts feel that children respond less to out commands than to their perceptions of our character and conduct. Further, children despise hypocrisy. If you rely on your own effectiveness as a model, and demonstrate co-operation, sharing and respect for others, you probably don’t need any other strategies.

Make mealtime last at least 20-30 minutes

Remember that kids often take more time to eat than adults do. Take your time through dinner and enjoy the extra few minutes sitting at the table before cleaning up.

Try new and interesting recipe ideas

They say we eat with our eyes first. This is true for all of us but especially children. Use colour, texture, and varying sizes and shapes for variety and added meal appeal.

Make mealtime an event

Try planning a special meal around a holiday, seasonal change, festival or a different cultural theme. Decorate the table in the appropriate colours, or play special music. Assign one task to each family member so that each person can learn to participate in meal planning.

Don’t withhold food as a punishment or use it as reward

This is an absolute no-no. Experts, agree that it gives an undesirable impression to children, which defeats the purpose of eating together.

Lay down the law

Set family rules about conversation. For instance, there will be no arguing or complaining about the food.

Include the tiny tots too

Even babies should be invited. If they’re not participating in the actual conversation; they’re listening, watching and learning all at the same time.

Something is better than nothing

Even if you are only able to eat together once or twice a week, there is no reason to sulk. Any happy interaction is good for a family. Don’t spoil the few times that you eat together by cribbing about how you don’t eat together enough. Make the most of what you have.